The rapidly approaching end of the Year4Art (Y4A) is focusing my attention on the art, big time! It’s odd how a sense of unending time can make me feel like I can meander through the year, & I have not pushed myself particularly hard (work-wise at least) but conversely, a lack of time makes me think "Oh-oh, I’d better do some painting, & fast!" The last few weeks have been nice & busy, art-wise, for me, both in PC-based cartoon designs, & physical acrylic painting, & I have enjoyed my time immensely.
Yesterday I made a little thumbnail gallery of all the major pieces I’ve painted over the year, & I had to conclude that I thought I would have produced more than that, or I would like to have, at any rate. Still, I am quite pleased with the quality of the work (by & large) if not the quantity.
I would also have to admit that I found it harder to get down to the work than I thought I would. But as I think about that now, I realise that I had become quite institutionalized by working at Modulex… who wouldn’t have, after 9 years at the same place?! I think it has taken me the best part of the year to get out of the mode of thinking that MX got me into, where the work I did was given to me & I was not required to be particularly self-motivated… the work was always piling up!
Although I came up with a quarterly schedule for my Y4A, I didn’t take into account the non-artistic aspects of my new life. I could plan to do x-amount of paintings per week, or month or quarter, but what I didn’t realise were the feelings that would come along, at various times, during my year. By & large I didn’t really identify what thoughts & feelings would or could come my way, which resulted in me often feeling swamped by them!
I was taken by surprise by the feelings that emerged from the Y4A. I sort of anticipated the sense of "difference" that I might have felt, going from the regular MX work, to the freedom of self-imposed art work. But I didn’t realise just how long it would take me to make proper, full adjustment to this new way of life. I can honestly say that I think it has taken me a whole year to get used to the idea of being an artist, & of all that the Y4A has brought me! I also think this is why I have been struggling with my mind & attitudes for the majority of this year: because I didn’t have any "yardstick" to really measure the amount of mental adjustment I would have to make, as the paid employment ended & the self-imposed self-employment began. Yes, I remember thinking that it would take me about a month to adjust… laughable, really, & not very realistic! I underestimated the strong sense of limbo, aloneness, guilt, vagueness, & all-manner of other ideas/thoughts that have come my way… ideas that have come as the year has unfolded, & which I don’t think i could have anticipated… I just had to let them come & deal with them, as best I could, at the time.
Being a planner-type person, I thought that I could plan my way out of any negative thoughts that I may have had. However, I did not find that possible, in the event. In retrospect, I think I just had to feel what I felt, & think what I thought, & learn by doing, rather than trying to plan for the life, beforehand. yes, i think that’s it: I have come to realise that I can not plan my artistic future, I will simply have to attend to it, as it comes to me, one day at a time.
I have not had anyone "holding my hand" & telling me what to think, or what I "should" do! There has been no-one who has told me what their experiences were, when they became a self-employed artist, & so I have had no role model, or mentor, of any kind. In this regard I feel like quite a pioneer! The level of personal freedom has been unparalleled, & I have greatly enjoyed my new autonomy. I like being my own boss & deciding what I’ll do every day. But the other side of that situation was the constant need for self-motivation, & I have to admit that I find it quite hard to motivate myself to paint sometimes. Like I said, when there is no apparent time-limit on me, I tend to stretch out a job to fill the time. I think most people do that - consciously (at work) or unconsciously.
I always felt a nagging sense of "I’m not doing enough painting", but that didn’t seem to motivate me: quite the opposite, in fact. With no-one ( a boss) breathing down your neck, I think it is inevitable to slow down, just because you can; just because you want to experience that change of pace. And you have to let yourself experience it too: so that you know what it feels like, & how it will make you feel & think about yourself. Yes, that is another thing that I have discovered: that I can not experience life by remote… I can not read about it, & say that therefore I know how I will respond in a given situation. I know that I have to actually experience the event itself, & only then will i truly know how I, myself, will respond to that event, or stimulii, or whatever. It is easy to say "I would do it like this…", & I have. But I now realise that, until you are in the situation yourself (with all your own unique perspectives & attitudes) you can’t really know how you will fair: well or not so well. You don’t know until you are in the situation yourself. I thought I would behave a certain way - but I didn’t. There is a difference between the theory & the practice of being a full-time self-employed artist.
I couldn’t foresee any of the ideas or attitudes that emerged from me, in the Y4A; I simply had to experience the year, as it came along, in all it’s guises. It might have been easier to stick to a rigidly defined plan of some sort, however, I doubt that I would have found my "artistic feet" that way. No, I think I have begun to discover the artist within me, & that this process of self-discovery takes quite a bit of time. It is far from "just bashing out a few paintings to sell" which many people might think being a painter is all about! For me, at least, I have to "feel right" to get the best out of myself, & the situation I find myself in. My environment has to "be right" first, then I can manage a self-imposed work load.
It is hard to put my finger on what I am trying to say, or express. I don’t think I am trying to justify my (apparent to me) lack of painting… it’s more than that. It’s more an awareness of subtle changes with me, & particularly within my mind, in regard to painting, artwork, a life as an artist, etc. It feels like something is gradually bubbling up inside, & gradually taking shape, as I try to get to grips with it. Such notions are not quick to come to my mind - indeed, they take a long time to materialise & become solid, & examinable thoughts. At the moment, these things (whatever they are) are on the edge of my conscious mind… tantalizingly just out of conscious assessment range. There is something about Vincent van Gogh’s life & attitudes that I sense as being real, "correct" or that fitted my way of thinking too, when I read a biography about him this year, even if they led him to an early grave… something about thinking & wondering, as an artist, which can lead to better work, but also has the potential to destroy you as a person. I hasten to add that i do not see myself in the same league as van Gogh! Be that as it may, I will endeavour to explore these thoughts or impressions, & see where they lead me.
Perhaps I am simply discovering, for myself, my own particular & specific way of being an artist? Perhaps all this ramble is getting me to the point where I can more effectively evaluate my Y4A? So much has happened that i didn’t expect, or take into account: depression, sadness, listlessness, days "wasted", & the like. And in one sense, that is how I categorise them, as "days wasted." But when I stop to really think about it, I realise that I have been living a life that has been far, far removed from anything I have ever known or experienced before. I have gone into something that there are no "maps" for; no compass & chart can hope to guide me through this Y4A… it simply had to be experienced, by me, with all my peculiar & particular attitudes, biases, thoughts & beliefs. It’s true that I feel like a pioneer, since I have never been here before. And when I remember that about this Y4A, then I can begin to see what an incredible journey of self-discovery it has really been. Even if I only painted a few canvas’s, in one sense, it would have been "successful", because I have lived this life. It has been my 1 year of artistic life, & these experiences have occurred to me. It did take courage to give up full-time employment, with it’s nice, safe wage at the end of each month. I haven’t achieved the kind of financial success
that could support me (let alone Kathryn, Flint & me together!) during the year. However, I have made some money - more than almost any other year of self-employemt (during full-time employment.) Financial success is an easy-to-see-&-assess guideline. It is much harder to assess mental, physical, spiritual or artistic improvement or success. That kind of assessment is much more subjective & therefore open to abuse by my own harsh, overly critical nature! But when I am being rational, & more kindly towards myself, then I can see degrees of success that I might not otherwise have attached to this Y4A.
So what is my final assessment of how I have done & what I have learnt?
Financial & practical position
1) I have not sold as many paintings as I would have liked to.
2) I have painted a fair number of canvas’s, but not as many as I anticipated painting.
3) The quality of my painting has improved, as the Y4A has progressed.
4) My attitude of fear, in regard to any one specific painting has diminished, I no longer fear failure & do not get "hung up" on a painting that does not come out the way I had hoped. I simply note what I don’t like about it & re-paint it, or go on to another canvas.
5) I have made progress in fits & starts: some days have been excellent work days, other almost total "wash-outs"!
6) I have realised that making progress in art is not a linear thing: sometimes days or even weeks can go by, without any hint of progress, followed by a sudden improvement in quality, ability or vision.
7) I have realised that entertaining thoughts of success, or failure directly & profoundly affect the quantity & quality of my work.
8)I have realised that I enjoy variety. I like working on a project: for a certain amount of time. Then I grow bored or tired of that subject, & I need to move on to a new one, or else I will not produce anything worthwhile. Conversely, I do not like working on the same type of work for very long. If I force myself to do so, then I grow increasingly distracted, restless, bored, & I am likely to stop being creative at all, & seek another distraction, until the desire to be creative returns - which it always has.
9)At times I have happily turned aside from watercolour & acrylic painting altogether & have enjoyed drawing cartoons, inking them in, & colouring them up on the computer.
Exhibitions, Commissions & Sales
1) I held a single exhibition, early on in the Y4A. I found that experience quite nerve-wracking, especially as I really wanted to sell some work & didn’t know if I would or not. As it happens I did manage to achieve a single sale.
2) I have 2 outlets for my canvas’s: waterloo Art & Crafts Centre, Oxendon & Opus framers in Brixworth.
3) There is the potential to exhibit canvas’s in New Forest art galleries.
4) I have completed several paid & unpaid commissions during the Y4A.
5) I have taught art in 2 Primary schools this year, which has both been an enjoyable time & a profitable one.
Writing
1) I have enjoyed creating documentation & keeping files, records & notes of the artwork I have created, where & when it has been exhibited, etc. I like order & record-keeping.
2) I have enjoyed writing about my thoughts & expereinces, as the Y4A has progressed.
3) I have enjoyed writing & publishing my blog on the Internet.
4) I have not, as yet, designed & implemented a website for my art, although I do have some good titles & ideas for it!
Planning & the future
1) I have realised that I do not possess the knowledge of where I am going with my art. I have no better plan or direction today (at the end of my Y4A) than I had at the beginning of it. Despite nearly a year of thinking & trying, I am unable to find a particular niche, or particular, specific direction that my art can take.
2) Coupled with my need to keep variety in my work, I am quite happy to paint & design & "see what comes my way", although I do want to increase the amount of money that I make from sales of my artwork.
3) I think holding at least 2 exhibitions per year would increase my chances of achieving point 2), coupled with an attractive, professional website.
I’m sure there are lots more points that I could make, but I’m off to get some lunch!
Bye for now.
… Is anyone out there, reading this?
